I started CrossFit when I was first officer aboard the Nostromo, a space-faring merchant vessel. Encounters with Aliens like facehuggers and drones quickly taught me the need for explosive hip extension. In my numerous battles with Queens I learned there is simply no substitute for physical strength. Only one of us is making it out alive, and I’m sure as hell not missing my next ab workout. Later when I became the mayor of Bartertown I spearheaded our signature Thunderdome initiative to bring entertainment back to our dwindling downtown area. While less physically demanding than battling space aliens, this provided new challenges in mental and physical stamina, and my CrossFit training helped immensely. In 1995 I faced my greatest challenge yet when I learned of the imminent threat of Skynet and the machines. With the help of a kind man from Austria, or the future, or future Austria, or something like that, we destroyed the fledgling Cyberdyne corporation and saved humanity yet again. When we confronted the man responsible for Skynet’s development, I tried to put a bullet between his running lights. But my son, John Connor, is a kinder and gentler soul than I. He convinced me to show restraint instead of attacking with brute force like I would during my sub 2-minute Fran. After years of CrossFit, apparently I am more machine than the terminators themselves. Having lost one arm somewhere along the path of my bumpy past, my latest training challenge has been driving a war rig that transports guzzoline from Gastown back to the Citadel. The extreme heat and dirty conditions makes me thankful for long grinders like Filthy 50 and The Seven that have really prepared my cardiovascular system. Every day I face arduous physical challenges, some worse than burpees. As I tackle the 2018 Open I’m expecting an impressive performance. While my training has focused mostly on survival, weapons employment, and hand-to-hand combat, I’m hopeful those skills will translate well to a broader fitness challenge. Who knows. CrossFit may just save this crazy world yet.
Benchmark Stats
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1RM Back Squat -- 1RM Bench Press -- 1RM Clean & Jerk -- 1RM Deadlift -- 1RM Front Squat -- 1RM Hang Power Clean -- 1RM Hang Power Snatch -- 1RM Hang Squat Clean -- 1RM Hang Squat Snatch -- 1RM Overhead Squat -- 1RM Power Clean -- 1RM Power Snatch -- 1RM Push Jerk -- 1RM Push Press -- 1RM Shoulder Press -- 1RM Split Jerk -- 1RM Squat Clean -- 1RM Squat Snatch -- 1RM Thruster -- 1RM Weighted Pull-up -- 30 Muscle-ups For Time -- 3RM Back Squat -- 3RM Deadlift -- 3RM Front Squat -- 5RM Back Squat -- 5RM Deadlift -- 5RM Front Squat -- Abbate -- Adrian -- Alexander -- Amanda -- Andi -- Andy -- Angie -- Annie -- Arnie -- Artie -- Badger -- Barbara -- Barbara Ann -- Barraza -- Bell -- Bert -- Bike 50 Cal -- Blake -- Bradley -- Bradshaw -- Brenton -- Brian -- Bulger -- Bull -- Cameron -- Candy -- Carse -- CHAD1000x -- Chelsea -- Cindy -- Coe -- Coffland -- CrossFit Total -- Dallas 5 -- Daniel -- Danny -- Del -- DG -- Diane -- Donny -- Dork -- DT -- Elizabeth -- Ellen -- Emily -- Eva -- Eva Strong -- Falkel -- -
Fight Gone Bad -- Filthy 50 -- Fran -- Freestyle Diane -- Gator -- GHD Annie -- Glen -- Grace -- Grettel -- Griff -- Gwen -- Hall -- Hansen -- Harper -- Havana -- Heavy Grace -- Helen -- Helton -- Hildy -- Holbrook -- Holleyman -- Hoover -- Hope -- Hortman -- Hotshots 19 -- Ingrid -- Isabel -- Jack -- Jackie -- Jennifer -- Jenny -- Jerry -- Jorge -- Josh -- Josie -- JT -- Karen -- Kelly -- Kelly Brown -- Kerrie -- Klepto -- L1 Benchmark -- Ladder Nancy -- Lane -- Laura -- Linda -- Loredo -- Luke -- Lumberjack 20 -- Lyla -- Lynne -- Maggie -- Manion -- Marco -- Marguerita -- Marston -- Martin -- Mary -- Maupin -- Max Bar Muscle-ups -- Max Chest-to-Bar Pull-ups -- Max Double-Unders -- Max Handstand Hold (Free) -- Max Handstand Hold (Wall) -- Max Handstand Push-ups -- Max Handstand Push-ups (Strict) -- Max L-Sit Hold -- Max Muscle-ups -- Max Muscle-ups (Strict) -- Max Pull-ups -- Max Pull-ups (Strict) -- Max Toes-to-Bar -- Maxton -- McGhee -- Michael -- -
Moore -- Morrison -- Mr. Joshua -- Murph -- Nancy -- Nasty Girls -- Nasty Girls V2 -- Nate -- Nicole -- Nutts -- Omar -- Partner Kelly -- Paul Pena -- Peyton -- Pheezy -- Power Amanda -- Rahoi -- Randy -- Rankel -- René -- Rich -- Riley -- Row 1000m -- Row 100m -- Row 2000m -- Row 250m -- Row 3000m -- Row 500m -- Row 5K -- Roy -- Run 1 Mile -- Run 100m -- Run 10K -- Run 2 Miles -- Run 200m -- Run 400m -- Run 5k -- Run 800m -- Run Row Run Rx -- Run Row Run Scaled -- Run Row Run Sprint -- Ryan -- Schmalls -- Scotty -- Sham -- Ship -- Sisson -- Small -- Strict Elizabeth -- T.U.P. -- Tabata Something Else -- Tabata This! -- The Chief -- The Don -- The Ghost -- The Lyon -- The Other Total -- The Seven -- Thompson -- Time Priority Angie -- Timothy Helton -- TK -- Tommy V -- Topsy -- Twelve Days of Christmas -- Tyler -- Viola -- Wes -- White -- Whitten -- Wilmot -- Wittman -- Wood -- Zeus -- Zimmerman --