This year, you only need to find one person who likes you.
Yes, the CrossFit Team Series is now a pairs competition, which makes it far easier for curmudgeons, blowhards and other prickly folks to find just one other person who’s willing to sign up and think of a good snatch pun for a team name.
For those rays of sunshine who smile even while doing burpees, you might have too many offers from prospective teammates.
To help you choose the right dance partner, we’ve created a quick guide to pairing up.
Here’s the advice:
1. Do not partner with spouses or significant others—Have you learned nothing from judging or coaching your partner in the Open? The post-Open period is for rebuilding relationships after that ridiculous string of hotly debated no-reps in 17.2. For the sake of your relationship, throw your line in another pond for the Team Series.
2. Partner with your spouse or significant other—Have you learned nothing from daily CrossFit workouts? You definitely don’t want to beat your mate or have your mate beat you. To ensure you aren’t at odds, form a team with your closest loved one.
3. Do not partner with someone fitter than you are—Going in, your odds are 50-50 that you’ll be the weakest link, but if you get greedy and partner with some fire-breathing beast who’s well above your level, you’re definitely going to be pumping the brakes while he or she watches the clock.
4. Partner with someone fitter than you are—This is like drafting in a NASCAR race: You tuck in behind your partner and get sucked along. You definitely want to find someone who can inspire you to great things or pick up some slack when you’re cashed out.
5. Do not partner with someone taller than you are—If two-person barbell lifts show up, you don’t want to be on the low end of the barbell. You also don’t want to be smothered during a partner carry, and we all know shorter people are usually great at gymnastics and body-weight movements. Stay away from beanpoles.
6. Partner with someone taller than you are—What if rowing, wall-ball shots or rope climbs come up? If you can walk underneath a kitchen table, you definitely want some height on the team to ensure you’re covered if partner Karen shows up. Seek out a lanky Brent Fikowski clone immediately.
7. Do not partner with someone fun—The Team Series is serious. No laughing. Just repping and winning. Smiling is for the weak.
8. Partner with someone fun—It’s important to have a good time, and workouts are a lot easier with some Maverick-and-Goose banter. For best results, ensure your partner is Rory McKernan.
9. Do not partner with your coach—Do you really want to be nagged about your form on every single rep?
10. Partner with your coach—Don’t you want to nag your coach about his or her form on every single rep?
11. Find a partner and register—After considering all the advice in points one to 10, you simply need to make the best choice you can, sign up to compete and let fitness take care of the rest. Easy day.
If you follow the advice above to the letter, you can’t go wrong. You’ll have the perfect team and will no doubt cruise to a victory that would make the Golden State Warriors jealous.
Or, if nothing else, you’ll be able to create lots of sweet videos for Instagram. Winning the internet can sometimes be just as satisfying as winning a competition, though we recommend you attempt to do both.