Born into a life of profluence, Tyler spent his early years on a goat farm milking and sheering goats and the occasional cat that looked like a goat. Neglected by his family, Tyler was forced to develop an extensive social network with the goats in which Tyler reigned supreme as the most popular of goats. When Tyler hit the age of 12, also referred to as the age of goat manhood, he decided to make a run of it on his own. Tyler moved to Beverly Hills, the goat capital of the world, and promptly started marrying and breaking the hearts of various top celebrities. The list of celebrities that Tyler married includes but is not limited to: Pamela Anderson, JTT, Air Buds 1-3, Yasmine Bleeth, Carmen Electra, Alexandra Paul, Traci Bingham, Michael Newman (basically all of the stars of Baywatch) and the late supreme court justice William Rehnquist.
Tyler spent his days ruining the hearts of celebrities, he spent his nights participating in underground Twister exhibitions. The stakes at these exhibitions were high, winner received the looser's twister wheel, while the looser lost his twister wheel and a finger. Tyler's dominance at these underground twister rings was undeniable; at one point he enough had twister boards and human fingers to feed a family of 60 (assuming the family was the kind that ate twister boards and human fingers). Tyler looked unbeatable until he crossed paths with Michael "el diablo" Torres. El Diablo was known for his controversial Twister style, in which he would breath directly into the mouth of his opponent after having eaten a bowl of Garlic cereal for breakfast. For weeks El Diablo challenged Tyler to twister, but Tyler refused since he thought El Diablo was a little creepy. Eventually Tyler could not pass up the opportunity to show case his twister talents against the best. Tyler and El Diablo's game of twister was like no game of twister ever seen; it lasted 13 hours and both participants dislocated their shoulders and ankles and somehow managed to continue the game. But when the 13th hour came, Tyler's hands, drenched in sweat and goat's milk, slipped from the twister board causing Tyler to fall. The black market twister gaming advisory board immediately chopped off Tyler's right pointer finger (which was no big deal since fingers grow back) and Tyler vowed never to play Twister again.
Tyler then broke the heart of Brian McKnight, and moved up to Northern California to attend high school and make love to every woman within a 37 mile radius. Tyler was mediocre in both endeavors; amassing a GPA (Grade Point Average) of 3.1, and a G.P.A.A. (Girls Per Attempt Average) of 1.3. Dejected Tyler decided to live in the ocean until he could develop a cure for the measles. Tyler did not live in the ocean for very long, as he discovered a cure for the measles already existed. So he graduated high school, went to college and studied the number of times people under the age of 22 use the word "like" in a day, and returned home to college to pursue his true passion...singing "How's it going to be" by third eye blind loudly into the faces of strangers trying to use the urinal at professional sporting events. Obviously a passion such as this required Tyler maintain peak physical fitness. Tyler pursued many endeavors to try and maximize his physical fitness. He worked his bi's like crazy at the local gym, he would flex aggressively in front of hostesses at CPK, he'd see how many snicker bars he could eat in a minute, and he'd jump in front of cars going 35 mph and try and stop their momentum using only his body and a sword he crafted from the finest woods and cheeses. Sadly none of this worked, and then one day a friend of his suggested he try crossfit. Tyler thought crossfit was dumb, and it was! But it was the type of dumb Tyler had spent a lifetime preparing for. Tyler immediately began training like no crossfit athlete before him and he wowed the crossfit community with impressive 981st and 1036th place finishes in the crossfit open. Tyler has spent the past year training crossfit religiously 4 on 5-7 off or like 2-3 on if he is sleepy; and he can sing loudly into the face of strangers in ways that he had never imagined. Truly, his person is a special one. I hope that some day you and Tyler cross paths and you will know just how special he is. And I mean special like actually special, not like what a teacher says to her class of third graders to make all those little dipsticks feel better about how stupid and poor they are, but like actually special and just intrinsically better than other people because he crossfits and has seen what the entire cast of baywatch looks like naked.
CROSSFIT!
United States
