The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard, really. At the age of twelve, I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I suggest you try it.
Open
| Year | Rank Worldwide | Rank by Region | Rank By Country | Rank By Affiliate | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 2024 | 26549th Men | 651st Men (45-49) | 6242nd Men North America East | 197th Men (45-49) North America East | 9048th Men United States | 325th Men (45-49) United States | 3rd Men CrossFit Uncompromised | 1st Men (45-49) CrossFit Uncompromised |
| 2023 | 9703rd Men | 392nd Men (40-44) | 2594th Men North America East | 127th Men (40-44) North America East | 3697th Men United States | 194th Men (40-44) United States | 1st Men CrossFit Collective | 1st Men (40-44) CrossFit Collective |
| 2022 | 11561st Men | 540th Men (40-44) | 5243rd Men North America | 297th Men (40-44) North America | 4423rd Men United States | 252nd Men (40-44) United States | 2nd Men CrossFit Collective | 1st Men (40-44) CrossFit Collective |
| 2021 | 5529th Men | 162nd Men (40-44) | 2705th Men North America | 90th Men (40-44) North America | 2285th Men United States | 82nd Men (40-44) United States | 2nd Men CrossFit Collective | 1st Men (40-44) CrossFit Collective |
| 2020 | 20425th Men | 1522nd Men (40-44) | – – | 9119th Men United States | 859th Men (40-44) United States | – – | ||
| 2019 | 17420th Men | 967th Men (40-44) | – – | 8093rd Men United States | 569th Men (40-44) United States | – – | ||
Benchmark Stats
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1RM Back Squat -- 1RM Bench Press -- 1RM Clean & Jerk -- 1RM Deadlift -- 1RM Front Squat -- 1RM Hang Power Clean -- 1RM Hang Power Snatch -- 1RM Hang Squat Clean -- 1RM Hang Squat Snatch -- 1RM Overhead Squat -- 1RM Power Clean -- 1RM Power Snatch -- 1RM Push Jerk -- 1RM Push Press -- 1RM Shoulder Press -- 1RM Split Jerk -- 1RM Squat Clean -- 1RM Squat Snatch -- 1RM Thruster -- 1RM Weighted Pull-up -- 30 Muscle-ups For Time -- 3RM Back Squat -- 3RM Deadlift -- 3RM Front Squat -- 5RM Back Squat -- 5RM Deadlift -- 5RM Front Squat -- Abbate -- Adrian -- Alexander -- Amanda -- Andi -- Andy -- Angie -- Annie -- Arnie -- Artie -- Badger -- Barbara -- Barbara Ann -- Barraza -- Bell -- Bert -- Bike 50 Cal -- Blake -- Bradley -- Bradshaw -- Brenton -- Brian -- Bulger -- Bull -- Cameron -- Candy -- Carse -- CHAD1000x -- Chelsea -- Cindy -- Coe -- Coffland -- CrossFit Total -- Dallas 5 -- Daniel -- Danny -- Del -- DG -- Diane -- Donny -- Dork -- DT -- Elizabeth -- Ellen -- Emily -- Eva -- Eva Strong -- Falkel -- -
Fight Gone Bad -- Filthy 50 -- Fran -- Freestyle Diane -- Gator -- GHD Annie -- Glen -- Grace -- Grettel -- Griff -- Gwen -- Hall -- Hansen -- Harper -- Havana -- Heavy Grace -- Helen -- Helton -- Hildy -- Holbrook -- Holleyman -- Hoover -- Hope -- Hortman -- Hotshots 19 -- Ingrid -- Isabel -- Jack -- Jackie -- Jennifer -- Jenny -- Jerry -- Jorge -- Josh -- Josie -- JT -- Karen -- Kelly -- Kelly Brown -- Kerrie -- Klepto -- L1 Benchmark -- Ladder Nancy -- Lane -- Laura -- Linda -- Loredo -- Luke -- Lumberjack 20 -- Lyla -- Lynne -- Maggie -- Manion -- Marco -- Marguerita -- Marston -- Martin -- Mary -- Maupin -- Max Bar Muscle-ups -- Max Chest-to-Bar Pull-ups -- Max Double-Unders -- Max Handstand Hold (Free) -- Max Handstand Hold (Wall) -- Max Handstand Push-ups -- Max Handstand Push-ups (Strict) -- Max L-Sit Hold -- Max Muscle-ups -- Max Muscle-ups (Strict) -- Max Pull-ups -- Max Pull-ups (Strict) -- Max Toes-to-Bar -- Maxton -- McGhee -- Michael -- -
Moore -- Morrison -- Mr. Joshua -- Murph -- Nancy -- Nasty Girls -- Nasty Girls V2 -- Nate -- Nicole -- Nutts -- Omar -- Partner Kelly -- Paul Pena -- Peyton -- Pheezy -- Power Amanda -- Rahoi -- Randy -- Rankel -- René -- Rich -- Riley -- Row 1000m -- Row 100m -- Row 2000m -- Row 250m -- Row 3000m -- Row 500m -- Row 5K -- Roy -- Run 1 Mile -- Run 100m -- Run 10K -- Run 2 Miles -- Run 200m -- Run 400m -- Run 5k -- Run 800m -- Run Row Run Rx -- Run Row Run Scaled -- Run Row Run Sprint -- Ryan -- Schmalls -- Scotty -- Sham -- Ship -- Sisson -- Small -- Strict Elizabeth -- T.U.P. -- Tabata Something Else -- Tabata This! -- The Chief -- The Don -- The Ghost -- The Lyon -- The Other Total -- The Seven -- Thompson -- Time Priority Angie -- Timothy Helton -- TK -- Tommy V -- Topsy -- Twelve Days of Christmas -- Tyler -- Viola -- Wes -- White -- Whitten -- Wilmot -- Wittman -- Wood -- Zeus -- Zimmerman --