There are a few traits uniquely appealing to CrossFitters ... assets that rev us up like the first 400-meter run in Helen.
I want to dropkick a Chihuahua into an active volcano every time a photo of a beautiful woman is posted on the interweb and some needle-dicked, ass-hat says something stupid like, “What’s ‘his’ name?” We know damn well that’s bullshit.
The skinny-fat worship prevalent in pop culture is partly at work here. Couple that with natural insecurity and malcontent Internet trolls, and you have a perfect environment for the greater Internet fuckwad theory to proliferate.
Having policed such comments, I’ve taken an interest in their origin. Each time one of these ingrates comments on a picture of a super-hot CrossFit woman with drivel like, “How much does that guy bench?” I’ve made a point to check out their Facebook pages and/or Google them. I’ve learned a few things.
These people are almost never CrossFitters — usually aren’t athletic, into working out nor possess anything we’d call fitness. Interesting. It’s pretty clear that the ladies in question wouldn’t touch these dudes with a cattle prod and the Trojan army pushing them from behind, either. So, why do they follow CrossFit pages on Facebook and say hateful shit about people they don’t know?
These women are gorgeous. The offending assholes have massive inferiority complexes and their comments are futile attempts to feel superior by cutting someone else down. As if to say, “My light doesn’t shine brightly, so I’ll dim yours,” instead of giving respect where it’s due and improving themselves. Fuck that.
The comments from these trolls do have negative impact. If I hear one more beautiful, fit, strong, capable woman tell me she’s ashamed of her lats, calves, hamstrings or butt, I’ll go Tony Blauer and Outside 90 these oxygen thieves into the middle of next Games season.
CrossFit makes better people. You’d be crazy not to admit it makes people hotter, too. We feel more attractive and our brothers (and sisters) in arms look even more so to us. There are reasons for this, which are far deeper and more meaningful than the physical ones imbued by training and nutrition.
But that is not what this article is about.
Go ahead, call me sexist. At work and the gym, I’m surrounded by men and women who are attracted to the same women. This isn’t a unique perspective. There are many body types in the world of functional fitness, and varied taste of men and women alike can find lots of things to agree on. There are a few traits uniquely appealing to CrossFitters though. Assets that rev us up like the first 400-meter run in Helen. Ladies (I’m talking to all of you), you have several of these. Be proud. And we’d appreciate it if you showed them off more often.
For organizational purposes — and because it’s fucking awesome — let’s start at the bottom and work our way up.
Calves of Capitulation
Surrender. You’re powerless to resist. If you’ve been to a rare formal event with CrossFitters and seen these ladies in heels, you’re already in the know. It’s like, “Damn … I bet this chick can rebound 48-inch box jumps.”
Shit is hot. I don’t know how they shave these things — razor blades typically don’t fare well against twisted steel. Guys see girls with jacked calves and think that maybe we’d like to race you, and see how fast you are.
I can’t imagine hearing this phrase anywhere except CrossFit. Usually, legs are accepted or rejected as a unit. That’s just unfair to the women amongst us with hamstrings that could pull an eighteen-wheeler off the ground. So, it stands to reason they have no trouble raising things that are much, much lighter — if you know what I mean.
If you’re a dude, you’ve been there. You’re in class, and one of the beautiful creatures we call female CrossFitters bends over to stretch — or, my heavens, pick up a barbell — and you’re staring at their … hamstrings. Yup, the biceps femoris. One of the sexiest muscles, you know. You could be staring at their ass — we’ll get to that later — but hamstrings?
Lots of deadlifting, squatting and other things that make us hot and bothered go into making these. Their lovely physical appearance and the capabilities that appearance implies are … umm … exciting.
Perfect Posterior (Chain)
A rear end that could empty 100 percent of a toothpaste tube with no assistance of any kind from the hands trails behind many a CrossFit woman. Your ass is your engine — it drives everything you do. From squats, to deadlifts, to opening the hip on lifts and kips. It’s the supercharged, big displacement, V-8 engine of the body. It’s appealing to see a big, honkin’ motor peeking out from the hood of a muscle car, right? Same goes for butts built by CrossFit. Functional and aesthetically pleasing enough to dilate the pupils more than creepy noises in a dark room.
Angels have wings. CrossFitters have epic latissimus dorsi. Lifting, rowing and a fuck-ton of pull-ups build lats that cannot be contained by the pittance of lycra comprising the sides of a sports bra. Thank god.
Women have had it backwards all along. They’ve spent decades trying to make their waists smaller when they should have been building bigger lats — that’s where that nicely tapered shape comes from — not the other way around.
If you’ve been lucky enough to enjoy the company of someone equipped with a set of these bad jacksons, you’ve no doubt noticed their ability to hug and squeeze is dramatically increased. They also provide a convenient lifting and/or grasping point, for you know, whatever.
Look, I’m telling it like it is. Guys (or girls) you are actually interested in love all these things about you. Listen to us. Keep pushing, pulling, jumping, lifting, grunting and sweating. Remember this the next time someone says your arms look “manly.” People don’t tell unattractive girls they’re ugly. That never happens — the truth is too intense for assholes to handle.
It’s a sign you’re doing something right. There’s no such thing as a car, or shirt, or video, or article that people love intensely, which is not also hated intensely. If someone hates your body and they have to tell you about it, know that someone (hi!) loves it just as intensely.